


Pain is a Song but Love is a Melody

by Nebulapaws



Category: Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: 1933, Angst, Blood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Father-Daughter Relationship, Flashbacks, Found Family, Gen, Gore, Hurt/Comfort, Nazis, Nightmares, Noir is kinda mixed with his comic self, PTSD Noir, Parent-Child Relationship, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Kisses, They all do tbh, White Supremacy, Whump, because they didn't build on him all that much, dad noir, fluff near the end, lots of 30s slang, noir needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-01-14 23:20:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18486505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nebulapaws/pseuds/Nebulapaws
Summary: for years, Noir has been a lone wolf. He's fought alone, worked alone, and been alone. things changed when he was sucked into Miles's universe. The other spiders seemed adamant on being his friend, breaking his "lone wolf" personality.and, until now, it never worked.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Man, this was meant to be an entire thing, but like, it turned into a chapter fic?? man, I'm not okay.
> 
> anyways!! I spent a lot of time on this one, and I really fuggin loves how it turns out!! its been really fun to make this, and I've written 4 chapters!! god, I just really love writing edgy shit?? anywhooo, sorry this chapter is so short :_;

His clothes were saturated with water. So heavy and wet that it sent heavier shivers deeper in his bones. Still, like a man on a mission, he trudged on, through the pelting rain that slicked the streets of New York. pain radiated on his sides like a small heat. except it wasn't comforting, like the gentle hugs he'd get from his friends, no it felt sharp, like a hot knife being shoved into his already festering wound.

He held that festering wound as it cried thick ruby tears. The only bout of colour he ever really saw in this bleak world. Red often streaked the streets like the world took a paintbrush and carelessly stroked it across the bleak greys and blacks. He hated red. It was the colour of loss, anger, hatred and rage. Blood meant death, and death meant loss. Red was always an emergency. 

As blood bubbled under his hands, his mind buzzed a different tune. _At_ _least my friends aren't here. They're safe. They're not here, and they're not hurt by those godforsaken Nazis. I just wish I didn't fade._

His mind was wondering constantly, and deep down he knew that the ever-present cold that was creeping slowly up his spine was bad. But this feeling isn't new to him. The bitter cold was always accompanied by a sense of loneliness, a bone-deep longing for something else, someone else, that he just couldn't find in these melancholy lands. Like a sweet song of a canary that he just couldn't remember. Noir couldn't figure out why he felt so... 

He fell to the floor of the dinky alley his body had chosen to land at. The ground was silvery and the little moonlight that peaked through danced and shivered on the trembling puddles. He let out a deep sigh that carried his tiredness as black spots trembled and swam across his vision like fish.

Noir didn't notice the flashes emanating from his wrists, didn't notice the footsteps, the voices. He didn't realize people actually _cared_ enough to find him. But yet, they did.

And that warmed his cold dead heart.

Yet, he never relented, did he?

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noir had never comforted anyone

When Noir and Ham heard Peni was deprived of love by her family, they instantly jumped to her aid. Miles said they “adopted” on sight, but Noir was just caring for a child, that isn’t the parenting he grew up with.

Wasn’t he being a “good friend”?

Noir remembers walking in on one of Peni’s panic attacks. Just when it was in its infancy. Ham had pestered him that Peni needs some “fun time” that they’d go to a diner in his universe, chow down on some of New Yorkieshire's best hot dogs.

But Peni had been crying, and suddenly going out to eat didn’t matter. The prior excitement he rarely felt melted away. He could look in stunned to silence. Questions buzzed in his head. _Who did this? Is she okay? What happened?_

Then Ham was tugging his trench coat, leading him to her room. Should they really follow through though? Walk into her room when she was the most vulnerable? Will she feel worse? _Does she need alone time?_

Her room was a mess. Wires and circuits were strewn across the dark room haphazardly. Lights blinked from different sections of the room. Noir recognized colours like red and blue and splashes of...yellow? _or was it purple?_ Her bed looked like Peter B's mattress, except a lot cleaner. It...actually looked kind of sad.

“N-Noir? H-Ham? I-I-what’re--” Her voice quivered, trembled weakly. And it made Noir’s cold heart twist, his chest tight as he wrapped his arm carefully around her shoulders. He didn’t want to hurt her or startle her.

“Comm'n kitty, tell me what’s wrong,” He tried to keep his voice calm, pitched like a low growl in hopes that his gritty voice can come off as gentle. He hesitently moved some of her ragged black hair out of her face. She looked like she had been struggling to keep herself together. She shook like a leaf, and tear tracks stained her puffed out cheeks.

“I-I...I let _everyone_ down... ‘M a failure…” Noir tensed at that. _Who did she let down? Are they just saying she did? She’s amazing, she couldn’t have let down no one, even if she tried._ His grip almost tightened on her. He almost dragged her into an inescapable hug, just to close her off from the world that he deems so _cruel_. He couldn’t speak. He didn't tighten his grip. He wasn't even sure he was doing anything right.

Ham spoke, instead.

“Hey, hey now! You’re not a failure!! It's ok’ to think that sometimes, things are ‘a rough! And its okay, Pen-pen!” Ham pat her on the back roughly, but Noir knew Peni enjoyed that comfort. Somehow, that seemed to help her, and Noir felt even more useless.

But Peni hugged him, stuffing her face into his dismal grey sweater, her shoulders were trembling with the sobs that wracked her body. “I-I-I feel like I’m about to _die_ ...a-and I-I guess...I did _almost_ d-die…” her voice trailed off into more sobs and cries, and pitiful sniffles and her breath felt quick and rushed. She was still shaking like a leaf in a lake.

And he hugged back, tighter and more firm.

“I-I let them get away..T-they c-could have...have…. _killed_ m-me...” His grip sharpened substantially with that, and when he carded his hand through her hair it was rougher. He couldn’t really _help_ himself to feel as tense as a spring hearing that one. “I-It disabled...SP//dr...w-with an e-emp…”

_What in the hell is that?_

Peni looked up and noticed his confusion. Even in such a haze as she was in, she was able to explain what an EMP was. Apparently, it was some kind of sound wave that disabled technology for a short period of time. The villain she had been fighting used that, giving him a clear advantage over her. That’s what truly had scared her.

And god, what _monster_ would kill a child?

Now he spoke this time, his voice like a plush pillow after a long day of walking “listen kitten, that wasn’t your fault. It sounds like was just the villain, and it was completely out of your control.” he cupped her cheeks. Her eyes were so wide and so _innocent_ . He couldn’t bare to see her this _sad_ and this _hurt._

Then, he noticed the unbandaged cuts and the blooming black and blue dappling her pale skin. All the impurities that danced across her wrists. And none of it tended to. His chest tightened, and he almost let go of her wrists, afraid that he had hurt her. Ham noticed too.

“Aye, let’s getcha patched up ‘n head ta grab a bite in New Yorkieshire! Doesn’ that sound fun?”

Either Ham was born to be a dad and knew childish curiosity or Ham knew just how to cheer up _everyone_. Either way, Ham is the epitome of a good animal friend, and Peni agreed happily.

The leftover of tears still stained her puffy blush cheeks, and she still shook weakly. But somehow, she ignored it. Instead, getting up with the help of Noir and zipping behind her bed so she can get her haphazardly packed bookbag and candies that were stuffed in there. She gave them a small, thankful smile. “Thanks, you guys,” she said timidly.

That day, as they drank milkshakes and talked about anything and everything, Noir thought back to what Miles said about Noir being a dad or a big brother of sorts.

But he still wasn’t convinced.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this chapter is a bit...funky, but it is p long!! I'm gonna post a new chapter next week, and oh BOY that one's a biggy haha I can't wait!!

The moment he came to his senses, he felt soft breathing on his side. Noir didn’t want to open his eyes. His eyelids were so heavy with sleep, that it felt like the world was dragging him back into his own personal temporary death. He wished it would, too. Something soft constricted his side. He felt numb. Empty of all the pain that raced through his blood and shook his bones, and was left with a cold feeling of dread that wafted over like the smell of death. 

He opened his eyes. 

His eyes darted around like flies, looking at all sorts of the splashing colours that assaulted his vision.  _ How did I get here?  _ His mind, confused and weary, buzzed. If he was thinking straight, he’d realize he was in Miles’s universe. They had practically made a base out of Aunt May’s house, or maybe a lounge. 

But he wasn’t thinking straight. 

He almost leapt out of his skin when he heard a low groan. It made him jolt up like lightning. Fear spiked up his back mixed in with the common instinct of  _ attack _ . But then, his gaze landed on Peni, who seemed unfazed by his outburst. She was smiling at him, something that could kill the tendrils of shadows that plagued his grey world. 

“Mornin’ Noiry!” she singsonged. A blanket, the colour of sand, had been carefully placed on the two. Though his side had been torn asunder, and now most of it had flopped on Peni. She didn’t seem to mind. 

“Mornin’ kitten, what am I doin’ here?” He awkwardly pat her on the back. He noted that she still didn’t seem to mind. She seemed a lot more content that he was just  _ there _ and it was strange. He wasn’t used to people actually caring that he was  _ alive _ . 

“Well, Noiry, we found you in some dinky ol’ alley bleeding out,” her voice dropped. It sounded forlorn and sad for a hot second before quickly picking back up “so Ham and I picked ya’ up and went to Aunt May’s!! She patched you up, and said you needed rest,” 

That didn’t explain why  _ she _ was here with him. 

“Oh.” he decided on saying. It sounded painfully awkward, and inside he berated himself for being so curt with her. But still, she seemed to refuse to be fazed by his obvious choppy behaviour. He started to try and get up, but Peni blocked his way. “Can I--”

“No! Sorry Noiry, but May said you needed as much bed rest as humanly possible! I can get you something if you’d like?” her voice was soft. Soft like a dove’s coo, and it honestly sounded adorable. He thought for a moment she was trying to be comforting. 

“Ah, doll you don’t have to--” 

“Oh no! I mean, I really don’t--you’re right--but I’m your friend! And that’s what friends do, silly” 

_ That’s what friends do. Strange. _

Promptly, he decided to ignore that. 

She seemed to have wanted to get him something anyway, and she slid off the bed and onto the floor fluidly. She giggled happily and padded over to the door. He never noticed she wasn’t wearing her school uniform. Instead, she was wearing a black t-shirt and boxers that looked too big to actually be boxers. Her spider hanged on for dear life on her shoulder, but her movements were too careful to actually knock it off. 

The door shut with a slam, and silence cast into the room like a spell. And with the silence, came the familiar loneliness, and the buzz of thoughts he chose to ignore. 

\---

When Peni came back, she brought Ham, Miles and Gwen. she bounced on her feet as though they had wings with a tray that had steaming tea and french toast. He never realized that Peni had made her favourite tea just for him. And he hadn’t realized Peni had gotten the whole gang (save from Peter B). 

“Ayee, Petey how are ya?” despite the overall jolly tone that Gwen had adopted, there were undertones of worry, that years of being a private eye detected right away.  _ Why’s she so worried? _

Peni handed him the tray of steaming foods carefully, to which he took equally so. Noir was confused about why his friends cared so much about him--he was fine, he could take care of himself--but it made him feel a warmth inside his heart that he just couldn’t ignore. The bed trembled and dipped down when Peni sat down next to him expectantly. 

“‘M fine, doll, really,” Noir looked down to his plate.  _ Hot tea? Japanese plum? Is that what this was? _ He gently tried to take a sip of the tea. 

“Ya’ looked p’bad man” Ham said. He clambered onto his stomach and made his way to sit down on Peni’s side like it was a bench. He noticed Peni didn’t seem to notice. 

The afternoon went just about the same way. Peni was acting odd, and so was everyone else. They seemed worried and concerned. Noir noticed that Ham would often try to get him to stay in bed, but he was growing restless, so he was allowed to go in  _ at least _ the living room. 

He  _ didn’t _ understand what was going on. 

Eventually, it was Miles who decided they could play on the Xcube--Peter B seemed to always try to correct it to ‘Xbox’ for some reason--and that maybe they could play Halo or Call of Duty or something. They ended up playing on the Mii instead. 

Peni, for once, didn’t participate. Instead, she watched while she worked on some kind of tech that Noir couldn’t possibly get a good view of, While Gwen, Miles and Peter b went all out in  _ Luigi Kart _ . 

Then Ham trotted up to him. 

“Aye, can we talk for a moment’?” Ham nodded towards the staircase, unusually serious. Confused, Noir got up slowly, leaving Peni alone to her work. She seemed enraptured in her task anyways. 

Once the two were alone, did Ham speak. “Alright, dude, what happened? People don’t just randomly bleed out,”

“You’d be surprised”

“I don’t wanna know what that implies” Ham laughed dryly. Ham gave him a deadpan look for a moment. It was wild how  _ serious _ Ham looked right now. “But would ya like to explain?” 

Noir felt nervous. He  _ did _ kind of go behind his friend’s backs. It wasn’t unusual for him to do that, but this time he felt dirty for it. He realized now how worrisome it must be for his friends to find out that their friend was bleeding out at the side of a dinky old alley. “Well…”

Ham raised an eyebrow. His posture was patient, but that gesture told him ‘ _ come on, tell me, I don’t have all day’ _ . 

“Aight’ joe, I was tryin’na help y’all. I didn’t want you all to get dutch gultched, or pummeled, so I jumped the goons myself,” Noir wanted to curl into himself. The same guilt that crushed him when his Uncle Ben had died weighed on his shoulders like icy sins. 

But Ham didn’t yell. He gave him a sympathetic smile. Something filled with understanding and patience, something that crunched on his emotions even more. And worse of all, he didn’t understand  _ why _ . “Hey man, we all have those moments. But we’re all superheroes, we’ve dealt with a lot worse than some stupid nazis”

_ Well he isn’t wrong. _

“And hey, you know risking your own life to help us is counterproductive. Sure, you’d be saving our lives, but we wouldn’t  _ feel _ helped. If you threw yourself in front of every train for us, we would never feel helped.” Ham noticed that Noir seemed to be looking away in guilt and he laughed “maybe you should let me get hit by a train for you guys! I’ve gotten hit by a train before”

Noir barked out a laugh. He’d like to see a small pig like Ham stop a quickly moving train. “Yeah, joe, ‘d like to see ya try” 

Ham grinned at him. “You know how it be, my universe doesn’t abide to your weak laws of physics,” despite Noir laughed a little. Now, he wasn’t exactly  _ wrong, was he? _

“You ain’t mad?” 

Ham blinked. He seemed to have forgotten what Noir had said, up until he jumped, his ears flopping upwards as if the realization had basically shaken his entire body. “Oh! No, I’m not mad! You know, edge, we all have our moments were we think to sacrifice our lives for the ‘greater’ good despite what you think. Our instincts are to protect each other. We’re family,” 

_ Our instincts are to protect each other.  _

_ We’re family.  _

Noir had never questioned anything as much as he did now.  _ Can friends really be family?  _


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank y'all so much for reading <333
> 
> I really enjoyed writing this!!

Soft breath ruffled his hair. The pressure was warm and light on his chest. Sleep for Noir was like trying to chase a cheetah, it never came easy. Often, it was the hardest thing to do for him, he didn’t want to submit to the harsh pictures or be too weak. He studied the small girl on his chest, petting her hair gently. Noir often rested well with Peni, knowing for sure that his friend was completely safe in his arms. A soft feeling glowed in his heart just looking at her...maybe…

_ Was it Pride? _

Noir couldn’t sleep. Thought captured him in a glass cage, reflecting on him and his mistakes with scrupulous eyes. Eyes that saw everything, and left nothing.  _ Why did they love him? _ His mind asked  _ why do they care so much? _ It would say. Maybe...just maybe they cared because they loved him but…

That would be silly. 

Who could love a man like him? Scars tore through his black and white skin--deep down he was aware how  _ weird _ it must be. A black and white man? Skin void of any and all colour?--he lived alone in a small apartment, and he wasn’t exactly the friendly type. He was the lone wolf, he preferred to do things alone, which often caught him in bad situations. 

He clenched his hands over the cotton of Peni’s bandages. Just desperate for something to ground him as his thoughts plunged him into deep water. He rubbed circles in her wrists as something to dull his racing nerves, but it was all naught. 

“... _ Noir?” _ came a soft groggy whisper. He didn’t recognise it at first. There was a low undertone that was easy to come off unnoticed. Easy to ignore, yet he noticed. When the voice spoke again, he recognised it to be that of Peni’s. “You good?”

The hand that wasn’t rubbing shaky circles in her wrists brushed down her back a little, afraid he might drop her-- _ to let her down and hurt her _ . He was trembling. Not like Peni had before, but just enough to notice. She had. “Yeah, kitty, ‘m fine,”

Her face was nothing short of determination. The frown that crossed her face further crushed his heart, that raced just as much as his mind was. “Noiry, please don’t lie to me,” she shifted a little on his chest. He moved to card his hand through her ragged hair, in need to feel some kind of  _ use. _

“Are you really okay, Noiry?” 

He didn’t know what to say. 

_ And how could he?  _

_ “No I’m not, I don’t wanna burden you, but I think about the day my uncle died, and how he was eaten alive, and I constantly have nightmares of it happening to one of you.”  _

_ No. he wasn’t going to burden her with that thought.  _

_ Not yet.  _

“I...I…” but he was at a loss for words. He tripped and stuttered on his words so much, he thought Peni must think he’s stupid. But he found that she didn’t. Her face was nothing short of patient. Almost  _ understanding. _ Like she’s tripped and fell over her words before, and gotten some worse responses. “I...I’m.. I’m not darlin’” 

_ But he just can’t lie to her. _

_ Who could? _

She was young and innocent, but right now he wasn’t going to cushion the blow. She wasn’t just young, but she was a  _ superhero _ too. He felt like he could be harsh to her, because she was a lot more calloused than other kids are. That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt when she seemed to get upset.

“Why?” 

That question asked  _ so much _ while being so little. 

_ Why do you feel sad? Was it something I did? Something someone else did? Was it something we did? Is it recurring? _

_ Was it something that happened during a mission?  _

“I’m…” he stopped just to fight back the tears, to jam the oncoming waterfall that could assault his eyes. Peni still lied there, patient. “I’m in  _ pain _ . I….I’m scared for  _ you _ .. I...I’m  _ sorry _ darlin’” he almost forgot about her cuts and scars, else he’d hold her wrists painstakingly tight. He wanted to keep her close, to assure himself he hadn’t lost her. 

She shifted slightly to hug him. And gave him the biggest, warmest smile in the world. He couldn’t help but return a shaky smile to the jolly girl. “It’s okay! And...you don’t have to be sorry” she snuggled closer to him. “And I know  _ juuust _ how to help too!”

“Wh--”

Before he can finish, a hasty kiss was pressed to his nose. Instantly, warmth spread to his face, dusting his cheeks. He was glad that darkness casted May’s living room. It made everything hard to see, masking his blush and the flabbergasted face that twisted his features. 

But he felt... _ happy. _

Happy that a girl such as herself gave him such a gesture of care. He hadn’t gotten this much positive contact from  _ anyone _ ever. He felt high matinence. But at the same time, it felt nice. He realized he wasn’t shaking as much. His hands still shook like leaves, but his mind wasn’t racing a mile a minute. 

It was really only focussed on one thought. 

“‘Sat feel a lil better?” Her smile, somehow got wider. He ended up feeling better, sure, but his body still felt as cold as the arctic ocean.  _ Should I ask? I don’t wanna burden her anymore. I just want her to sleep...its 3am.. _

_ Ah well. I don’t wanna keep my own health away from her.  _

“It does, a little, kitty,” Noir nodded “but...why  _ do _ you care some much? It’s...not really your problem..” 

He cringed at how he said it. He sounded so childish. He sounded like he desperately didn’t want comfort, or health. And for a moment, he thought Peni would get upset with him. He almost  _ froze _ in apprehension.  _ Are you an idiot?!  _

But to his surprise, he found only the warmest of smiles on her face. Gracing her features, as bright as a sun in a thunderstorm. Her voice was soft, understanding and graceful. Her tone quiet and subdued “Noir, we  _ love _ you that’s why. And not just the other spiders, SP//dr too,” 

Her voice reminded her of his Aunt May.

Before Ben’s death. 

Aunt May always had a soft and motherly tone. Always something that sung gentle tunes of kindness yet woe. Comforting like a lit fireplace, and often smelled and felt of home. 

Deep down, Noir can see May in Peni. 

They both shared a soft motherly kind of tone of voice. And though Peni was new and immature, she still was kind and caring and showed respect to everyone she met. Even, Noir learnt, if they were always horrible to her in return. 

And it was really comforting. 

“And Noir,” she spoke again. Her tone was warm, and as gentle as a dove’s coo, “ we’re friends, and that’s what friends are for!” 

Confusion flooded his senses for a moment, and he couldn’t help the dumb question that popped out of his mouth: “is...that really what friends are for?” 

He half expected Peni to laugh, to explode in uproarious laughter. But instead, she giggled softly and lightly. “Oh Noir, at this point you all are more family than my own family” he noticed that she talked a little less enthusiastically after that, as if she was embarrassed or she didn’t at all want to say that. “ we’re all one big spider family! Family isn’t always by blood, you know. Blood is thick, but water is thicker,” 

_ Family isn’t always by blood, you know.  _

_ Blood is thick, but water is thicker.  _

For the first time, her noticed the blood stained bandages around his waist. The bandages that wrapped around Peni’s wrists, that were splattered with blood. The blood that linked people to their families.

The blood that isn’t nearly as thick as his friendships with his friends. 

He knew that water wasn’t actually thicker that blood. He’s  _ seen _ so  _ much _ blood before that he’s come to notice that its thick, and often it rolled down his wounds and scars like gummy bear tears. It was slow, and took its time on its war path, bringing sadness and pain with it as it went. 

But water was thin and fast, sleek and silver. Beautiful and dangerous. A life or death situation. It carved canyons, but blessed forests. It was life’s gauntlet, and death’s scythe. And admittedly, he did think his friends were exactly that. 

But…

_ My family.  _

_ We are family.  _

He never considered friends family. It never came to mind when he thought of friends. Until they came along. He thought so highly of each and every one of the other spiders. They all suffered similar strifes, similar pain and loneliness…

Similar  _ alien  _  feelings. 

His arms wrapped around Peni so tightly he heard her squeak. He didn’t hurt her though. “Thanks, kitty,”

He noticed he wasn’t shaking anymore. He wasn’t fearful or scared. He wasn’t on the verge of crying and exposing too much feelings towards the small girl. He was…

_ Content. _

He brought her close enough to where he can give her a gentle kiss in return of hers, and she giggled back joyfully. He was just happy he can make her smile and laugh...something he never thought he’d ever be making a child do. 

“Hey Noir?” she mumbled when she finally stopped laughing. Her voice dragged and slurred like she was tired, but she still kept awake. He wondered if this too was because hundreds of sleepless nights, nights where she had to pretend to have slept but in reality hadn’t. “Can...you sleep too? For me?” 

He thought about it. 

He thought without problem, too. 

“Sure, kitten,” he rumbled. He shifted her away for a moment, just enough so he could grab the quilt that lay unused from the side of the bed carefully. Just enough so he could throw it in a dramatic motion to float languidly to them and cascade carefully on both of them. He slid up the bed just enough to where he was leaning on the head rest, the crest of the bed. “G'night, darlin’”

He heard her mumbled goodnight, as she basically slipped into a deep sleep in seconds. For a while he stared fondly at her, before he too closed his eyes and surrender into a dreamland, his mind echoing a phrase that rung in his skull. 

_ We’re family.  _

For the first time in years, he was able to sleep the moment he closed his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and Comments really make me thrive!! I really need motivation for this big ol' piece haha


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